The Change of Kyon
by Oldage429
Summary: When Haruhi finds pictures of Mikuru on the SOS Brigade's computer that Kyon had hidden, the fallout forces him to deal with a whole new perspective of life, and a number of unfamiliar and uncomfortable issues.
1. Chapter 1

Knowing Suzumiya makes it sort of impossible to tell which days will be _somewhat_ normal and which will be, for lack of a better term, completely fucking insane. It's not like **every **day is a trip into a wholly different world where aliens, time travellers, and ESPers are normal. Usually they come to visit, keeping any day from being really normal, but by no means making every day _interesting_. In a way, it's almost disturbing, how things out of an anime or manga could become part of a routine. Anyway, this day had been, for certain definitions of the word, normal. No imminent doom from Koizumi, no artificial humans aside from Nagato, and Miss Asahina was being violated as usual, but nothing else. There weren't even any mundane bizzarities, like the computer club. In fact, the only thing out of the "ordinary" was that Suzumiya had been messing around with the computer when she got agitated for some reason.

* * *

Even as strange, bizarre, and occasionally terrifying as many of the things I'd rather not deal with are, I'd never been quite as confused and frightened as I had been when Suzumiya greeted me with a voice dripping honey and saccerrine and a slight bulge in a vein over her eye.

"Kyon, you could you come here and explain something on the computer to me, please?"

Knowing that she can run faster than me, escape was, as usual, futile. given no other real option, I went over toward her and asked what it was.  
"Well, I was wondering... Why are these pictures of Mikuru not deleted like you said you would?" As a point of interest, it can get rather difficult to think, or even talk when suddenly grabbed by the tie and made to lean over, roughly at that, and then having your head manhandled and forced to look at a computer screen, however enjoyable the image on that screen may be.

"Err, uh-"  
"You hypocrite! After you made me take them off the site, you kept them as fap-fodder!"

"Wait, no! Miss Asahina had asked me to hold onto the-"  
"Don't try to bullshit me, I know she wouldn't want to keep them!"

For once, I actually didn't have any response to Suzumiya. I couldn't even get anything out.

"I knew it! You kept them for fapping!"

"I didn't keep them for fapping! I just wanted to keep them..."

And at that, she let me go, with rather more force than should be warranted.

"So you just kept them because you like Mikuru that much? Fine!"

Then, she trudged out of the room, much to my relief. I was a bit confused as to what she meant by that last bit though. Well, I wasn't confused at the time, I was relieved. The confusion came a bit later, after things had calmed down some. But for the time being I was happy that bastard Koizumi had at least stopped smiling.

"I know I told you to be more concerned about yourself, but this isn't what I meant. Though I do understand the need." Ugh, never mind. I prefer the smile. What is with that look of his?

Anyways, at least Miss Asahina didn't seem mad at me. I couldn't stand myself if that happened.

After that we just… well, left. There wasn't really anything else to do.

* * *

You know how I'd said earlier, knowing Suzumiya makes it impossible to tell if a day will be relatively normal, or completely insane? I'm going to go on record as retracting that. I KNEW today would be completely insane. Right from when I woke up, noticed the breasts, went back to sleep, woke up again, and... Well, I won't say I screamed like the girl I now seemed to be, at least.

Moving on, I had, overnight, turned into a girl.

A girl with a rather nice figure, to be honest, but I wasn't thinking about that at the moment, I was wondering why I had said nice figure in the first place.

After I calmed down slightly, Suzumiya's parting comment started to make more sense, and I remembered the source of nearly all my problems.

Once I'd calmed down and thought for a little, I decided to make a full investigation of the damage.I never managed to finish, being the gentleman that I am, and not one to take advantage of a girl, even if I AM the girl. Instead, I took a look in the mirror, and was met by a rather cute, but recognizably mine, face. I looked quite good if I do say so myself, and under other circumstances would be inclined to admire it some more. But rather engage in what would be a most unusual case of narcissism, I decided to look around my room to see if anything else had been rearranged by Haruhi's whims. It was… disgustingly pink. I mean that sort of pink that will rot your teeth and give you a migraine at the same time. I cautiously checked my closet. Yup. Definitely Haruhi if the costumes and clothes are anything to go by.

* * *

After some twitching I got my now nauseatingly pink and sparkly phone and called Yuki. She could tell me how to fix this. I would have to remind her that I spoke Japanese, but Yuki was very dependable when it came to fixing other similar changes. No, I will not elaborate on that.

"Hello." While I'll be the first to admit that Yuki is cute in her own way, that monotone she uses is... unnerving, to say the least. She says "Hello" not like it's a greeting or even acknowledgment., It's more like a question. Not in the "Hello, who is this?" kind of way that most people use, it's more like "Hello, why are you calling me?" It barely even registers as that, though. It might as well be a statement, like "Hello, you are calling me."

"Hi, Nagato? It's Kyon."

"Your voice does not register as Kyon. To begin, Kyon is male, whereas judging by your tone, pitch, and speech patterns, you are female. Who is this." And there's that monotone again, that wasn't even a question. And was I really using feminine speech?

"See, that's what I'm calling about."

"Unless you speak clearly and concisely, I shall hang up or be late to school."

"Wait! Nagato, I'm really Kyon! I got turned into a girl, and all my stuff is pink and frilly!"

"...I am going to be late to school. If you are Kyon I will speak more there." And then she hung up.

With my first choice in solutions cut off for the moment, I took a moment to reflect on the conversation, and realized that, yes I was just turned into a girl, and no, Suzumiya didn't rewrite history so I'd always been a girl. So... I'll need to explain to everyone that I turned into a girl.

* * *

After dealing with an initially disappointed then oddly pleased little sister, breakfast was awkward to say the least. Apparently the new room design was my mother's idea, well, really Haruhi's through my mom, but you get the idea. And no, I didn't even get questioned who I was. She just acted like high school boys commonly changed into girls. My sister had the same reaction too, but she seems to think I'm in a manga lately. I have no idea why. I mean, I'd be comic relief or a background character at most. In any case changing into my new uniform was a bit of a chore, but either Haruhi was merciful or a bra is easier to put on than I though, because I had no problems with that, despite the ungodly amount of frills and lace on that thing.

Now I have to deal with my classmates, and that idiot Taniguchi who I know I'm guaranteed to run into on that damn hill. That promises to be especially unpleasant, all my shoes have heels now, and this pink monstrosity of a bra does nothing to keep my chest from bouncing... How do girls deal with these things?

* * *

Sometimes, I truly hate being right. On this god forsaken mount, my shoes hurt like a bitch, my back aches, and my chest is sore. Meanwhile, Taniguchi is running right along my side, pestering me.

"So now that you're a girl, how about a date?" Seriously, does he even know how creepy that is? He's my friend, and I'm a guy!

"No, I'm not going to date you. Don't you realize how creepy that is?"

"What's creepy about it? I'm a guy, you're a girl, and guys date girls."

"Not when the girl is actually a guy!" At this point, I decided to kill my ankles, and speed up so I could get the hell away from this blasted slope and the idiotic horndog on it.

* * *

I eventually managed to get to my seat while fending him off. Man, I knew he was a pervert, but really. I finally got somewhat normal reaction. Our homeroom teacher was in early, and he blinked in confusion for a bit, double checked his records, and shrugged. However, I had to deal with Haruhi. She looked particularly smug today. Which is really saying something considering how she normally is. And I didn't like the look of her grin. At all. I am not looking forward to the clubroom today, but I need to, both to avoid her wrath, and talk to Yuki.

Class itself was dull as usual. I did learn something though. Large breasts make it hard to use your desk as a pillow. Amazing, I actually was taught something useful and practical in high school, at this rate I'll be able to live on my own in 20 years. That thought aside, the difficulty of sleeping on my desk forced me to stay awake through far more of my class than I generally like to, so not only was class dull, I was awake for almost all of it as it dragged on for what seemed like hours upon hours of waste.

And worst of all...

"So, you turned into a girl? How'd you manage that one? I bet it's because you whacked off to Mikuru so many times. That'd certainly explain these!" Being groped by Haruhi is, without doubt, one of the least pleasant things to have ever happened to me.

"I don't know! And I didn't whack off to Miss Asahina yesterday!" God, this is what Miss Asahina, as angelic as she is, must feel like! My sympathy grows with each moment.

"So was it Nagato? Or maybe it's because you wanted to go all the way with Itsuki!" Her hands are like vices of molestation! How Miss Asahina tolerates this, I'll never know, but I have a newfound respect for her.

"I don't want to go all the way with Koizumi!"

"So you've gone some of the way, then?"

"Wha-No!" I hate my life.

Haruhi just grinned.

I swear our teachers are oblivious. Never noticed that Haruhi decided to feel me up for very well near an entire class period. It was disturbing. It started unpleasant, then started to feel sort of good, then quickly got painful with my chest becoming sore. Man, this is almost as bad as having to watch Mikuru be abused to make that asinine movie for the SOS brigade.

* * *

With the much awaited end of class, I was promptly dragged to the club room, and met by a second clothing rack, and the shocked, yet still beauteous and divine, face of Miss Asahina. She must have just arrived, given that she was still wearing her school uniform.

"K-K-Kyon? Why are you a girl?" Ah... She's worried about me! This almost makes the day worthwhile, if only because I know Miss Asahina cares.

"She's the second half of our mascot duo! Now down to business!"

What happened next was...

It was...

I feel dirty.

I need a bath. In fire.

"There! The SOS Brigade''s Moe Duo! I think I like you better this way, Kyonko! You've got good taste in underwear, at least! I matches you very well. You'll really help Mikuru pull in attention for the Brigade!" The Playboy Bunny outfit was just as sickeningly pink as my room, and it left next to nothing to the imagination, and offered only a little more support.

"You two look great together! Almost like twins! I bet you'd REALLY get some attention if you made out with each other!" Wait, what?

"Mi-miss Suzumiya! That's hardly appropriate!" Wait, did Koizumi just do something that HELPS me?

"Fine, just go out front and get touchy with each other! This is a prime opportunity, and I plan to capitalize on it!"

"You and Miss Asahina were reprimanded just for handing out fliers dressed like that, I highly doubt that this would turn out any better."

"Oh, dammit! Fine! We'll just see what looks best on Kyonko!"

Disturbingly, they fit me well. I'm not sure if that is because I now have Miss Asahina's build, or Haruhi is even more disturbed than I thought. Best not dwell on that.

"I believe that Kyonko is becoming highly distressed." Oh thank god! Maybe Haruhi'll listen to Koizumi AND Yuki if they tell her to stop.

"You people are all no fun! I still need to take pictures, anyway. It's only fair after she lied to me about deleting the ones I took of Mikuru then jerking the gherkin to 'em!" It's amazing, really. She can justify her actions so well despite multitasking and stripping me to my underwear.

"...Very well." No, don't abandon me, Yuki! Don't leave me to the mad-woman's whims!

"Now, time for a photo-op, girls!" And with that, she started posing us. I must say, it wasn't entirely unpleasant. I liked the shots she did with me and Mikuru... No! Don't give in, Kyon! Stay strong!

"That, was productive! You two look great together!" And after that, well... Everything just petered out for the day. Haruhi left a bit early, followed by Miss Asahina. I gave a quick thanks to Koizumi on his way out, and stayed a bit to talk with Yuki.

* * *

"So, Nagato. As you can see, it was me on the phone from before. I need help."

"I am not the best source of information in regards to female social norms, fas-"

"No, I mean getting back to normal."

"That is not possible at this juncture. A surge of data packets from Suzumiya was detected approximately 2 hours after the end of yesterday's meeting. The precise method of how you were transformed without altering history is unknown at this time. Further analysis is needed to determine whether a super splicer was used for genetic recombination and accelerated morphogenesis or if it is a merely aesthetic change with nonfunctional reproductive capabilities. In addition there appears to be a data code embedded within your visage that causes a non-standard response to the change in appearance you have undergone."

"Huh?"  
"I cannot change you back at this time due to extenuating circumstances."

With that my hopes for regaining my manhood soon were crushed. And "extenuating circumstances"? That sounds more like personal reasons, such as having to go to a doctor's appointment, than saying Haruhi has curb stomped physics so hard this time that not even Nagato can figure out what she did.

"As such, the advice which I may offer you in this situation would be to simply learn to get used to the change. I may not be able to assist in terms of societal norms or fashion but am still able to help with hygiene and bodily functions."

"Hygiene? Bodily functions?"

"It is vital to organic life forms such as humans to excrete waste matter and toxins from the body. However, the different genders use different organs to excrete liquid waste matter. Additionally, as previously posited, further study is required to determine if the change includes reproductive capabilities, and if so, you shall require instruction on the means of dealing with the results. Namely, menstruation."

Wait, what? I'm going to menstruate?

"Possibly. Further analysis is required to determine if you will or will not."

"Great, just what I need... a whole 'nother problem on top of everything else. What exactly will this 'Further analysis' entail, anyway?"

"For the time being I will just require an extended amount of time in your presence to do the necessary routines."

Well that doesn't sound so bad.

"I may also require direct contact to bypass the interference that is preventing normal reactions from the majority of the population."

Well that could be awkward, holding hands or the like if seen could lead to-

"This would require a full tactile scan of your body to ascertain if there is point by point differ-"  
"Hold on there. Nagato… everywhere?"

"Yes."

"Like, even... down there?"

"Down where?"

"You know, down there."

"I do not know."

"My va-va-va-vagina."

"Yes, as well as inside."

"... Wh-what?'

"Was I unclear in my description? I will need to perform a full-body tactile examination of your body, including the exterior and interior of your genitalia, meaning your vagina."

There's no way I can respond to that. I mean, how weird would that be? I haven't even looked at it yet! I'm not going to let someone else poke around inside of it! That's insane!

"I- No, I can't do that."

"Do you not trust me to be careful?"

"No, I just... It'd be really weird, okay?"

"I do not understand. It is a purely clinical examination to determine your fertility or sterility with regards to your newly changed gender in addition to ascertain if the change in your data is uniform or varies according to location."

"That's not the problem, I'm just really not comfortable with it."

"Very well. I most likely will be unable to gather the necessary information to safely return you to your previous form then. I suggest that you attempt to manipulate Suzuyima to change you back. In the mean time I would ask that you make arrangements so that I can have extended contact with you to obtain at least cursory data from other forms of examination."

"You just mean visiting you and the like, right? Nothing…. Like that?"  
"Correct. No physical contact would be required, just extended time in a 5 meter radius of you."

"That's not so bad. At least it's not nearly as bad as the tactile examination..."

"Ideal results would be achieved if you were to live in proximity to me, including at night-time. For that purpose, I shall stay at your house for a period of several weeks."

"Wait, what? But... I mean, you're a girl, and I'm..."

"Also a female. There should be no problem. I am able to perform household duties if needed."

"Bu- Tha-... I'll ask my parents..." Just what I needed to cap off what is possibly the strangest day in my life! Yuki, staying at my house! Well, if that's what I need to do, then I guess there's nothing to do about it.

* * *

So, this is a collaborative effort by me and a friend. It's both our first fic, and we'd like whatever feedback can be offered.


	2. Chapter 2

Claimer: Yes, we really own Haruhi. We are totally making millions of dollars off merchandise. We keep the money in a safe. It's buried in Iowa. Seriously, there is, like, so much money in that safe you have no idea.

* * *

Well, this is awkward.

I am currently taking refuge in my closet that is now filled with an abundance of impractical pink clothes and... Are those yaoi magazines? Good god, where did they come from? Err... From what am I hiding, you may ask?

Is another one of Haruhi's temper tantrums spawning some horrible abomination beyond the veil?

Am I being stalked by a psychotic artificial human whatever with a knife again?

No.

No, this is something far deadlier to a gentleman such as myself.

Yuki.

To be precise, she is currently changing in m room. While I understand that she needs to be around me now, but really? Share the same room? And she could at least warn me when she starts to change.

How did she even get my mom go along with this, anyway? Oh, right; I need "a guide into the female world". How that means sharing the same room I'm not sure. Though my little sister certainly seems to enjoy teasing me about it. I mean, when Yuki turned up with just a single box full of uniforms and some books, announcing she intended to stay here for a while, the little IED was ecstatic! An-

"Kyon, I have finished changing."

Whew. I can get out of the closet. I open the door to reveal…. When did she get that? Yuki was now garbed in a baby blue camisole, with a pleated grey skirt. I didn't even know she owned anything other than her school uniform... and why is that top so loose around her chest?

"Uhh, where did you get that outfit, Yuki?"

"Your mother arraigned it for me. I do not know where she obtained it."

"It's a bit loose on the chest, isn't it?"

"Yes it is. I believe it is fitted for you." So, there's a girl who is admittedly cute, staying in my room, and now wearing my clothes.

Were it not the result of me turning into a girl, I would be ecstatic.

As it was…. Well, I was still enjoying the view, but it drove my current problem to the fore. I was painfully aware of my current lack of….um… proper equipment thanks to this surreal situation.

The only thing needed to complete the surrealilty and overdone cliché of the situation would for me to turn out to be some magical girl. But that would never happen, I'm just some background character, not the protagonist.

Besides, if I were ever sent out to fight some evil monster, I'd be more likely to kick it in the crotch and bash its head in with a convenient pipe than use some pink frilly magical love beam if push came to shove.

In any event it was one of those rare weekends that Haruhi wasn't dragging me out on an wild goose chase for invasions of extraterrestrial molemen attacking the park, so it looked like I was going to have some free time.

Normally, I'd use this rare and magnificent occasion to play some videogames and unwind, and I sure as hell need some unwinding. But now?

Now, Yuki would just demolish me thoroughly without even bothering to pay attention and it would feel really awkward or even rude to exclude her. Not to mention I've never really liked Final Fantasy or Pokemon or any of those types of games so I can't do something like that, either.

That limitation leaves me with a few options as to spending my time: Entertain my little sister and see how long it takes before she drill kicks me in the tit or something, try to find out if Yuki does ANYTHING solely for the sake of fun, or try and arrange some… alone time, emphasis on "try".

At that, you may be thinking "Oh Kyonko, you sly dog! Trying to sneak off and give that new body a 'test run'?", but that's not the case at all.

First, my name isn't "Kyonko". I never thought I'd prefer to be called Kyon.

Second, I'm not gonna just go off and do dirty things like that. I might be slightly turned on by my new body, but the fact that's it's MY body and not someone else's is more than enough of a boner-kill to negate whatever interest the body may spark, and probably what would result from seeing the entire Brazillian Women's Beach Volleyball team covered in baby oil.

If you must know, I want to cry long and hard in private. What? I'm man enough to admit I want to cry. I won't do it in public, and if you tell my sister I just mention to Haruhi I saw you talking into a strange device, but I can admit I want to cry. What do you expect? I just had a forced gender change, and everyone around me is acting completely non-chalant about it. Or molesting me with either their hands or eyes. I'm just glad I know I am ME in no uncertain terms. Just because I'm female now doesn't change that.

Well, enough of that. I'm not in NGE, and I certainly have too much spine to pilot a giant mecha, so I should try and figure out what I was going to do.

"So Yuki, what do you want to do?"

"Why are you asking me?" Sheesh, the way she said that almost seems like she thinks I'd have a better idea than her. I don't even know if she LIKES to do anything!

"Well, I was wondering what type of stuff you like to do. Y'know, get to know you better since you're going to be staying here for awhile."

"I am indifferent as to what activities take place."

"Okay, how about some video games? It could be interesting to see how thoroughly you kick my ass. Or maybe go out into the city and see if there's anything to do there."

"That is acceptable."

"Great, grab a controller." I got one myself, and put in my copy of Arm Joe. "This is a pretty basic fighting game, only really special thing is that it's based on Les Miserables."

"The French play and novel?" I think I might have been hallucinating, but I could've sworn Yuki looked confused for a second.

"Yeah, it's pretty wierd."

I decided to play the local Shotaclone, Javert. Yuki went with the stuffed rabbit driving a Mini-Cooper.

Suffice it to say I was thrashed in record time by her. She kept an indifferent look on her face the entire time as she tenderized Javert's crotch with that damnable stuffed rabbit.

* * *

It's rather annoying when your opponent doesn't even show the slightest bit of enjoyment as she pummels you with a joke character. She wasn't even looking at the screen most of the time, instead either staring at me or examining the controller in detail. The way she'd hold it up or shift her hands around or turn it over while still kicking my ass just made it more embarassing. No doubt she was figuring out the minute flaws and impracticalities in its construction to alleviate her boredom of thrashing me.

Eventually I decided to call in my little sister and see how long we could last until Yuki beat us. Whoever lasted longest won. I could say that I didn't have twitch reactions as quick as I used to, so I wasn't at the top of my game, but that would just sound like I'm making excuses.

"Well... That was one-sided. What now?

"Ice cream!" Gah! I knew bringing her in here would end in tragedy! I really need to teach her not to punch me in the gut like that.

"That is a sound plan."

"Ow, ow... Let me get my breath first."

"You want to come too Yuki?"

She gave one of her barely noticeable nods and we were off. Unfortunately my wallet was a bit thin from last time I got a penalty from Haruhi… she actually made me pay for a light supper for the entire SOS brigade. I can only hope that my little sister won't try to weasel herself into a full sized banana split again.

* * *

We made our way down to the local place. Thankfully didn't run into anybody who stared at my boobs. That had been quite annoying on the walk back from school yesterday. Although… the one or two girls who stared at them were a surprise. I didn't think they were emphasized enough in the school uniform to merit not so subtle lesbian attention. Or it might just be my still male mind having fantasies totally unfounded in reality. I can dream, can't I?

I got myself a small chocolate cone, and Yuki got a small sherbet. My sister… well… I am immune to her puppy dog pout and I'll leave it at that.

But in return… I got bombarded by the most annoying questions ever.

"Are you a Magical Girl now?"

"I hope not, that would be annoying."

"Did you get sucked into another dimension and cursed to be like this during some grand adventure?"

"I'm right here, aren't I?"

"Oh, you are, aren't you. Are you a reverse weregirl now?"

"A what?"

"Did I drill kick the testosterone out of you?"

"Wha- Where did you even learn what testosterone is?"

"That's not important, what is important is whether or not I drill kicked the testosterone out of you and that's why you're a girl." What am I going to do with her? Where did she even get these ideas?

* * *

Having gorged ourselves on ice cream, we "decided" to go to the park, by which I mean my sister dragged us there. Lacking anything better to do, I sat down on a bench.

"She is very energetic."

"Yup. I call her a 'little IED' for a reason." Huh, this almost seems like...

"Understood. Is she difficult to live with?" ...Small talk?

"Sometimes, yeah. She's a good kid though, when she isn't assaulting me." Am I seriously having small talk with Yuki?

"That is good to hear."

I can't believe it. Yuki actually engaging in small talk. This is great, I was seriously worried that she was completely like a computer and had no human side. Glad to see that's not completely true. Probably should encourage this.

"So Yuki, you do much when you're not at the SOS meetings? I mean, besides anything that deals with your mission."

"I read."

"Oh? Well, I guess that makes sense since you were in the Literary Club. What do you read, normally?"

"Books."

"..."

I would think she's joking, or messing with me, but she's Yuki, and Yuki just doesn't do that.

"I meant, what kinds of books? Any authors in particular you like?"

"Science fiction."

"Any particular authors?"

"No."

Well, at least she has a favorite SOMETHING. I would continue, but at that time, my sister came up to us, with, you won't believe this, a squirrel. I mean, how did she manage to catch that?

"Look what I got!"

The rest of the afternoon was spent dealing with the fallout of dealing with the fact my little sister managed to catch a squirrel and wanted it as a pet. And the fact she thought it would be a great idea for it to be put in my shirt.

* * *

This night was going to be akward. Yuki insisted on sleeping in my room in a futon. Now normally a guy like me would be thrilled to have a cute girl in his room. Two problems. I still have boobs. Second, this is Yuki, and she's only in here to help me get my little friend back. Man… this sounds like some weird ass dating game set up. Well… even if it were, at least it's not Koizumi.

"Yuki… can you please warn me when you are about to change?"

Yup, closet again. I hope this doesn't become a regular occurance.

"Why? We are both girls."

"Except I'm not a girl."

"Physical evidence indicates otherwise."

"Buh- I mean, I'm not a girl. At least not mentally."

"I have seen no real indication of this."

"Wait, what?"

"Your behavior is not particularly masculine, nor is it particularly feminine."

"What do you mean, not masculine?"

"You are behaviorally androgynous by many modern standards."

Wait… is she saying… I'm not a guy OR a girl… then what IS she saying I am?

"Yuki… are you saying that I wasn't ever really a guy?"

"No. I am saying you are not overly masculine and never have been."

"What do you mean by overly masculine?"

"Wrestling, fighting, yelling, pompadours, sarashi, fundoshi, homosexual undertones, shirtlessness, swords, longcoats, tattoos, sunglasses, and monster trucks are overly masculine. You have none of those thing with the exception of homosexual undertones."

"Wait, what?"

"Your relationship with Koizumi. It is more than just friends, correct?"

Must.. not… too late. I have already applied the hand to my forehead.

"Yuki… no, just no. The guy creeps me out to no end. It's entirely just him. I'm not sure if he's just doing it to mess with me or not, but I don't like him. Not even sure if I actually consider him a friend, even. He just pisses me off too much." Sheesh. I swear. Stupid moron, your completely and utterly annoying nature manages to be a pain in the ass even when you're not around. "But really, if you say androgynous, do you mean I have overtly feminine traits too?"

"No. You lack behavioral traits which are either feminine or masculine. You do not giggle, shop in fashionable stores, purchase numerous pairs of shoes, have a boyfriend, bleach your hair, wear gothic lolita clothing, prostitute yourself, sell panties, or any such acts. Except have a boyfriend."

"... Yuki, I just said I don't consider Koizumi a friend of any type, and especially not a boyfriend."

Don't tell me Yuki is a yaoi fangirl… that would suck. Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against homosexuals who aren't Koizumi. It's just that she would try to… ecourage Koizumi. Oh man… I really hope she wasn't pushing him along before.

"Yuki… did you give him any encouragement to harass me?" Please say no please say no please say no...

"Do you think that I did?" That doesn't help!

"I don't know, did you?"

"I most likely did not, depending upon what is considered encouragement and what is considered harassment." That helps less!

Quick, think of a dodge to get off this nightmarish subject.

"So, uh, um. You're not going to push that NOW are you?" Idiot. Still same subject. Hopefully I'll get a clear no. Or something a lot less disagreeable. Hopefully this was just her not understanding human interaction in general, and not active and premeditated pushing of Koizumi. Because that would just be horrendous.

"I did not push anything."

"Oh, okay. It sounded like you did."

"I do not find the concept of two men together as appealing as that of two women. Asahina can most likely support this statement." Wait, what?

"Wait, wait… did you just say that you're a yuri fangirl?" And.. did she just imply she molested the lovely beacon of maidenhood? I hope you didn't receive more molestation Miss Asahina.

No, that can't be it. This is Yuki. I'm sure it's just like, a case of preferring blue to red or something of that nature. I don't even know if Yuki really even understands what a relationship is now that I think about it. Well, she knows what it is in a dictionary way, but I'm not sure if she understands on a cultural, emotional level than an intellectual level.

"I did not say that."

"Did you imply it? And what do you mean 'Asahina can most likely support this statement'?"

"Asahina has repeatedly encountered me at times when I was playing 'H-Games', as they are known."

Wow, This is great, Yuki can make a joke. I chuckle a bit.

"Nice to know you DO have a sense of humor Yuki." I give her a grin.

"I am not joking."

"... You don't need to say that, I know it's a joke."

"It is not."

"... You were seriously playing H-games?"

"Yes. They provide an interesting window into the human psyche."

Ah. That's very like her.

"They also have a certain appeal."

"…" Well, this is more than a little unsettling. "What TYPE of appeal, dare I ask?"

"It is difficult to describe. I am uncertain as to why, but seeing the girls in compromising positions is..." I could SWEAR there was a predatory glint in her eye right then, even though her expression was just as dispassionate and neutral as always. "... Exciting."

"Exciting?" Edging toward the door is one of those things that goes against good manners, but there are times when you just NEED to. "Well I guess they're supposed to be."

She simply nodded. This is going to be a very awkward night.

After changing in the closet, I settled down in my bed to go to sleep. Who knew our little Yuki was a pervert? I bet it's totally Haruhi's fault. And I'm not talking about Haruhi Ex Machina style fault, I mean normal fault.

With Haruhi's habit of molesting poor Miss Asahina on a near daily basis, it's only natural that someone with minimal social interaction would be influenced by that.

Great, now I'll have to be Haruhi's conscience even more than usual.

* * *

Eventually I managed to get to sleep. I dreamed of being the magical girl. Fluffy Pink, defender of the world to be exact. I was wielding an assault rifle and had to wear a frilly purple camo outfit as I fight alien invaders. Stupid genre enforcing contracts. At least I got out of the frilly stuff or sailor fuku.

I also had a sidekick, Frilly Purple AKA Yuki in a fluffy pink camo outfit using a sword. She did most of the actual fighting while I stood off to the side, making commentary, pointing out plot holes, being meta, and the performing the occasional nut-shot.

Together we defeated the aliens as American publishing companies tried to pass them off as cousins to lessen the fan speculation that they're lesbians. It's kind of hard to do that, though, when they're shown doing things that cousins generally don't.

Yeah… just the night I needed to dream about that.

Thanks hormones.

I really appreciate it.

No, really.

Oh, and did I mention that I saw the whole dream like it was an anime? The theme song sucked.

Man, I'm really in for a ride now more than ever, aren't I?

* * *

* * *

A/N:

And here's the second chapter! Finally! Again, any comments and critique are much appreciated, for they make the writers happy.


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